Monday, May 24, 2010

Sometimes it's good to let out a good cry

If you know me, you know I'm an emotional person. I can't help it. If someone cries, I cry with them. I cry during commercials, shows, movies, I cry when I don't understand people, I cry if I don't get my way, I cry when my children make me mad and when they make me happy. I cry when I see people suffering. There's so much I can't even begin to tell you. Right now I have to vent and get it off my chest because I started crying thinking about it.

I get so mad that I can't be a stay at home mom like so many mom's out there. I get jealous, but yet am so happy for them because they are able to do it. I get mad because I feel I can't be that good mom like they are, like taking them to the park, reading hour at the library, the zoo, going out on play dates, going for a good swim on a hot day like today, etc... by the time I get home I'm so tired to even do much! I don't even need to be a 24/7 stay at home mommy, but part time, working like 2 days a week and that's it! That would make me oh so happy. Right now I only see them less than 4 hours a day Monday-Friday. How sad is that?! Work sucks the life out of me and my time! I leave my house at 6:15 am to not even get home until 4:30ish. They then go to sleep at 8pm. I spend more time at work then I do my own family! I just want to scream!!!!

For over 3 years now my desire has been to be home, to see my children grow. Arianna is three years old and a sponge taking in everything around her. She's growing up way too fast and I feel as though I'm missing it all. Avonlea is in awe of the world around her. She's 9 months! She's crawling, standing with support, and eating all sorts of foods. I'm missing out on everything she's learning to do. Or at least it feels that way. At the moment, my husband is a stay at home daddy. He just graduated and his job laid him off. Any ways, I have to admit, I wish I was the one in his position. When he tells me he's playing outside with them, I think, "i want to be there so badly."

It's just not fair! but I'm being so selfish for thinking this way. God has blessed us in so many ways! I know I shouldn't be complaining. I have a job and am blessed to have a beautiful family. God knows the desires of my heart and I just have to be patient, which is so hard for me. I've prayed this prayer a zillion times, 'GOD, you know I want to be home, please make it possible." the time will come and I have to wait. I will never understand God and i have no right to...but He will make it happen...IN HIS TIMING.

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